The Beginning Of A Lifetime...

2010-06-10T08:52:00.000-07:00

I'm An Aunt! Allysa Jade Norris 6 pounds, 9 oz. 18 1/2 inches long!

Lost

2009-04-01T09:33:00.000-07:00

On Sunday in church one of our pastors was talking about how God can change your condition or make it better. Like your life, that's what I want. I don't know how to give everything to God without taking it back. It hurts and I want to give it to God but I don't know how to not hold on to what I want to give to God. I did nothing but cry last night. I have all this anger and I want to get rid of it but don't know how. I know God can change me and heal me but where do I start? I have so much built up. sometimes all I want to do is cry all day.

I give it all to you!

2009-04-01T09:32:00.001-07:00

I want to more than just in tune with Him! I want to be on fire. I know you have plans for me. I believe, I want you to change me. I want you to do what you need to in me. I want you! I don't want this garbage that is keeping me away from you anymore God. Please, Take it all. I surrender it all to you...I don't want to keep anything from you. I give my all. I will spend time in your word and in prayer. I will make it a habit. All I want is for you to do your will in me! God please. You have done so much for me already, I am ready for the rest of it!

Thoughts all at once...

2009-03-12T17:37:00.000-07:00

So I have not posted in forever. There is a lot going on. Its crazy being an adult. Not fun. I went to the doctor today and I am having an ultrasound done and I am scared...I am just hoping it goes well Since Breast cancer runs in my dad's side of the family. We will see. School is great, life is great. I am excited for summer classes!

Autobiography...

2009-01-28T10:25:00.000-08:00

My Auntobiography: I had to write one for two of my classes! One being in Psychology, Oh goody. A Psychology major with issues??? Dumb huh? Oh well I want to better myself. So when I was in the process of writing my autobiography I noticed that there were many things I couldn't remember. Was it because something is wrong with me or have I built a wall to protect my emotions? I am so confused, still in pain and yet people still deny the fact that they helped put me in this area. I am not blaming anyone for my problems because they are all mine, I had to deal with my life being a screw up. I am the one who is a disgrace and dissapointment to everyone. I'm just saying things work both ways. It's not just one persons fault. In this case I broke down, I don't want to remember anything about my childhood through teenage years. They SUCKED the life out me. Now I am at the point where only God matters to me. The people I hold close to my heart I need to keep there. All I want is for God to fill me with His spirit again to the point where nothing else matters. I want God to take over, I am in the process of getting my passion for God back. I've made back disicions that had the end effect of me not being as close to God because I din't listen to Him. Hmmmmm, anything new? I want that to change, I want my life to change to the fullest. I want to be able to help people like me or even in some ways worse than me. I am on a journey to find God again, I know Him and know that He is with me but I really want to know Him! I am anxious to see the outcome of it!

[ENTER TITLE HERE]

2009-01-26T11:00:00.000-08:00

Didn't have a title! LOL! So a lot has happened since I last worte! I'm trying to keep this updated so please bare with me! So last week me and My Foster Mom had to put one of the dogs down...It was emotional! I was there in the room while they did it. I have to say I didn't want to leave him...I have never been to one of those and being able to be there was amazing! Not amazing like I loved it but amazing as in it was an experience I will never forget!

I have also been going to this Bible Study on Thursday nights! It's pretty great! We are disscussing sexuality! How God sees us as women! We just started it so we will see what happens! It has been great so far! Also I am being given a chance to work with the youth at the church I am going to! I am stoked! I will be able to experience what I will be doing in the future. See what kind of training I need to get my lisence to become a youth minister! School is going great! Stephen is graduating in May and it makes me sad! I am hoping he stays here and goes to NMSU! I don't want him to leave me! LOL! We will see! I'm happy for him though, I loved graduation! So exciting and scary all at once. But now college is the next step and I am excited to see what interesting things I will learn! So much I want to know but not enough time in life :(

Adventures continues...

2009-01-14T11:21:00.000-08:00

So school started today! Yay! I love it so far! I is great. I met some people! They are cool! So this morning I went to class right, well guess what it was the wrong class. I had the right books but on my schedule I had the wrong class. Weird right? Uh Yes! LOL! So anyway I fixed it but I thought that was crazy the way it happened. So my financial Aide is in progress! I am having to write a letter saying that I was out of my parents house for the last two years of high school along with 3 other people! This is so I can declare an independant status! Yay! Then I get to file my own taxes this year and have something to back up my financial aide with! Things are working out! Still have some things to adjust on my schedule but other than that all is good! Now it is time for class again! I'll try to keep everyone updated especially since I have been lousy at it the past couple of months :(

New adventures!

2009-01-14T10:03:00.000-08:00

Wow I haven't blogged in forever! Geez! So update on me: I stopped working at KFC FINALLY! I am much less stressed I think? Anywho, I am now working at Arby's and so far I am loving it! School has started! I am still trying to rearrange my schedule because of certain cercumstances! No big deal! I am very excited about how my life is going! I am slowly learning about the difficulties and stresses of Adulthood :( Not my idea of a good time.

Everything is just so crazy. I am still doing therapy and taking my medication! I am looking into possibly moving into an appartment of my own after May! I am excited! I have had a couple of different interesting conversations about religion and my beleifs with people. It can be somewhat confusing to me not because I don't know what I'm talking about because I do. Just the fact of how can I help them understand? It's like someone telling you that what you beleive is wrong...Thanks But NO Thanks. I beleive what I do because I choose to. Yes I was raised a certain way and yes some things I don't agree but that's between God and I. Anywho I have to wrap up so until then!!!!11

Life thus far!!!

2008-12-13T19:33:00.000-08:00

It's been awhile... A lot has happened since the last time I blogged! I am still working at KFC and still loving it. I am getting 30-40 hours a week! YAY! I love my paychecks! Also I am finally registered for school after all the hassel I had with holds on my account. I am taking 14 credit hours this semester! I'm excited! I was going to take 17 but everyone was freaking out and then I started freaking out because I need to have time to work so that I can pay rent! Since my hours will be cut I need time to not only work but study also. I am not sure how I am going to juggle it at the moment but we will see!

I also cut my hair all off! Not too short but it's short. Way easier to take care of. I love it! Besides work and stressing over how I will pay my rent next semester things are great! I found out last week that I can go to college for free! Yay! It comes with the package of not living with my parents for my last two years of High School! The financial aid office told me that I had to use my parents income tax information even though I didn't depend on them. Comes to find out that is false. So FYI (the place I go to therapy and see my psychiatrist) is going to help me appeal it! Boy will that take some load off of my shoulders! I've been freaking out about it since I decided to screw up and lose the lottery. So This helps smooth things over a little!

So much has happened!

2008-11-08T19:24:00.000-08:00

So it's been how long since I have last written on this thing? So much has happened. I moved out of my parents house! I love it. I am moving up to be Shift Manager at my job! I'm excited. Also I got to vote this year! Yay! It felt weird! Obama is president! It was a crazy election this year! I am excited to see what things come about with President Obama! Anyways, and even more exciting I got my 2nd tattoo thursday! I love it!

Also I got all my classes for next semester taken care of! I am taking 17 credit hours! I am excited to be moving forward in everything! Work, School, Life. It's great!

SHAKEN TO THE CORE!

2008-10-06T22:28:00.000-07:00

An amazing book! I got this book while I was at OSU and there was this lady(the author) and I stopped at her table she had and I asked her about her book (Shaken To The Core). The title actually caught my eye. We started talking and she mentioned that she was abused and I opened up to her some and explained what I had gone through and was still going through. She too was sexually abused by her father. We talked and it was interesting about her techniques she learned in therapy. It was so crazy that I ran across this. I bought the book hoping for answers.

I started reading it when I was on my way home from Oklahoma. I got through a couple of chapters and I started crying, OMG I was in front of people so I ran to the bathroom at the bus station and I just wanted to cry my heart out but couldn't. One of those moments were you want to cry and you can't. Frustrating!!!!!!

So I had to stop reading because I didn't want to give an explanation to someone. I had started reading it again a couple days ago before work. I hate when you read a book and don't want to put it down but you have to. Especially for me because I don't get into books often. So Sunday I decided to pick up the book again and continue reading. It being my day off and I just got home from church. It was crazy. From the beginning this book had brought back everything, this is not bad because I have buried it so far down that I have ignored my feelings and the experience. It was like this book was meant for me to read it. I wont get into detail about the book because I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. It's embarrassing for me to know that my Dad Raped me.

But this woman was 5 years old when it started. I was older than that. Maybe 8 or ten. Talk about Wow! It makes me sick. This book was so real and this lady went through a lot more than me. But it made me want to open up, made me want to feel better. It makes me want to cry. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say or talk about in therapy and that's the problem. I don't know how to get through this. My therapist asked me if I ever considered writing my Dad a letter with no return address telling him how I feel. Boy this letter is going to be long. But I think I'm going to do it! I know I will never understand why he did it and why he chose me but maybe it will get some of my anger out? Everyone has helped me so much and all I knew how to do was push them away, make there life HELL as my life was. I love all of my family and all of my friends, people who have helped me. I want to change. To break the cycle.

Towards the end the Author wrote how her Aunt told her that the cycle of abuse started with her Grandparents. It went from her Grandparents to her Dad to her and then to her daughter. This is so crazy but true because my Mom and I were talking about how my Dad's Dad was abusive. It sucks, I want to break that cycle and I want my children to be happy and I don't want them to go through what I did. I want to give them everything I didn't have.

Confused, Wondering how things fit together!

2008-10-05T05:33:00.000-07:00

So I'm starting to think again, Oh No! LOL! Things are back to normal again! I think I'm in love? Which is the problem, I have this plan/calling for my life and I was thinking the other day how does this person I love so much fit into this? I'm talking about Stephen! How does he fit into my life in the future? I want to go to Bible College, become a Youth Minister and I'm not sure how Stephen or anyone at this moment fits into that! I know that I'm not ready for a relationship right now because life is busy but for me to question whether this amazing guy fits into the picture of my life is a horrible feeling. It makes wonder if this is normal, if I truly love him! I am so lost at the moment!!!!!!!

I love him!

2008-09-29T11:34:00.001-07:00

This is Stephen! We have a weird relationship as my Mom would say LOL! But I love him! As you can see he plays Clarinet too! Perfect Match! Yes he is Black and Half Mexican! I have heard it before that we could have problems if we get married or get into a relationship. I know many people don't care and some do! I just want to make it clear that I don't care what people think about him and I, and it shouldn't matter. I just know that he is a great guy and yes his attitude is not the greatest but he can be really sweet! He has my heart and I have his heart! I have said before that it is getting serious and I just want everyone to accept him like I do! I know your not racist, I hope. But I have already gotten a lot of crap from my Dad's side and I don't want anymore of it. He is baptist! So he is a christian! So that's my Stephen!

It doesn't feel right, something's wrong with me.

2008-09-28T07:03:00.000-07:00

Something is wrong with me, I can't eat, I am just not hungry and when I make myself eat something when I haven't eatin' all day I can't eat much. I am restless, I can't sleep and when I finally can it's around 1 sometimes 2. Maybe it's nothing, but I'm freaking out because It's been awhile since I've had this problem with sleep and now it's with eating. It's frustrating. It's freaky, I don't think it's my meds because I haven't done this with taking these meds. I will just have to wait until tomorrow to find something out from my Psychiatrist.

Baby Fever!?

2008-09-26T23:21:00.000-07:00

I don't know what it's called but whatever it is I need to get rid of it and fast! Why do Little kids/Babies have to be so cute? Anyways this girl at work has a kid and he's 1 1/2 or something but I was holding him today and I don't know why but I got this random "I want a baby" feeling. But NO I DON'T WANT A BABY NOT NOW. But Oh Em Gee! Everyone is having babies or has had babies! I need to go to El Paso and get rid of my Baby Fever! They are just so cute. Plus a ton of responsibility! I know I have a bunch of cousins and there have been times were I have had them cry and scream in my ear! I can handle it but then again I couldn't because I don't have the time! AW! SOMEBODY HELP ME PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-09-24T23:11:00.001-07:00

Have you been walking on a surface that's uncertain?
Have you helped yourself to everything that's empty? yeah!
You can't live this way too long.
There's more than this, more than this.
Have you been standing on your own feet too long?
Have you been looking for a place where you belong?
You can rest, you will find rest.
You can rest, you will find rest.

Let this old life crumble, let it fade.
Let this new life offered be your saving grace.
Let this old life crumble, let it fade, let it fade.

Have you been holding on to what this world has offered?
Have you been giving in to all these masquerades?
It will be gone, forever gone.
It will be gone, it will be gone

Let this old life crumble, let it fade.
Let this new life offered be your saving grace.
Let this old life crumble, let it fade, let it fade.

Let it fade.

Are you carrying the weight too much?, are you running from the call?
Let it fade, Oh yeah.

You can rest, you will find rest.
You can rest you will find rest.

Let this old life crumble, let it fade.
Let this new life offered be your saving grace.
Let this old life crumble, let it fade, let it fade.

Let this old life crumble, let it fade.
Have you been standing on your own feet too long?
Have you been looking for a place where you belong?

WORK!

2008-09-22T07:13:00.000-07:00

I love it! They told me they were going to start me off slow because I left but they are already giving me over 20 hours! YAY! I'm so happy! I'm excited but it sucks because I can't sleep at night. What the heck. Yesterday (Sunday) I took a four hour nap! I was still tired by the time it was 10! Mom and stayed up and watched a movie until 1 A.M.! Life is great! Except the sleeping part. Oh well!

Life is good!!!!!!

2008-09-19T13:23:00.000-07:00

So I am back on my medication! YAY! I am still working out too! YAY! I started working out when I was in Oklahoma at the college! So I joined a gym! We will see how often I can make it since I will be working! Hopefully not until the afternoon's! Also I am going to go Gluten Free! See if it helps not only with the problems I have been having but also with my depression? Things are going good so far! OH, I am moving out of my parents house hopefully in a few weeks! I am excited about that too! So all I have to do now is keep myself busy until January! So if anyone has any Gluten free recipes I would love to have them if you are willing to share! You can just email me! So that is my update for now...I have a tough emotional road ahead of me! But it will all be worth it in the end!!!!!!!!

I want it gone.

2008-09-08T19:23:00.000-07:00

Why can't I do it I did it before...All I have to do is swallow the bottle. Only 2300MG's. If I hurt so bad why not take it away? Why won't I do it? I want to so bad but then I don't. What am I supposed to do? Go home, Stay here and die eventually? I'm scared, I hate these feelings. I never thought that I would be so messed up coming down here. I'm not sure what to do...Why can't I just get it over with. I wouldn't have to deal with depression anymore, just burning in Hell. That's where I would go right? Hell? That's where people like me go... But I have so much that I'm supposed to do...God can't use somebody like me, I'm messed up. I am tired of going through this, feeling these things. I want it to FREAKING GO AWAY NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! God, why am I going through this? What's your purpose? I want you to take it away and never let it come back. I want it to be over. I'm tired of it, I'm tired of being the disappointment. I want to make it right, I want to do your will.

God won't leave me alone will He?

2008-09-03T21:41:00.000-07:00

I feel way better from the last time I blogged! I am going to get into Therapy (when they tell me if I am accepted in the program) It's called Edwin Fair and they go by your income. Since I work part time maybe I will get in! It's for students mainly!? But anyway I know God is speaking to me because I can't get the whole Bible College picture out of my head. I am going to retake my ACT so that I can transfer in the spring! I am staying here, I am going to cut down on how much I see my Dad and siblings. For my mental health purposes. I will continue taking my medication, go to therapy, and keep school my #1 focus as I planned in the first place! I don't understand why God keeps pushing me, He hasn't given up on me yet...Will He ever? I don't understand the whole God thing, Him loving me after all the things I have done? It amazes me! I love it that someone doesn't judge me and loves me SO much to not give up on me. I want God to be my everything, because I love Him so much! Plus there is this church here in Stillwater, it's an Assembly of God church and I want to get involved with the youth ministry and try to get my sister to go too! I'm excited once more about what God is going to do...If I could only get through these darn speed bumps. ;) Anyways, that's my happy update! Goonight I have an 8:00 A.M. Class and it's past my bedtime!

I'm finished...

2008-09-01T19:37:00.000-07:00

I'm done I want to go home! Not really go home but I want it to be over with. I want to die. It's too overwhelming. My Mom was right, I was stupid for coming down here. Why am I so stupid. I want out of this mess. But if I go home Mom and I have decided that I take a break from school, just this semester. I'm so sorry for hurting everyone. I screwed up big time! I hate what I have done. I am ashamed and I don't deserve to be forgiven. Some say I was being a teenager but I'm not sure how that fits into this because I made a huge mistake. I just know that I hate feeling this way and I need to get out of it. Put my life back together! Please Pray for me!

Pen Pal? Something to do?

2008-08-27T21:33:00.000-07:00

So I have nothing else to do but write! Well and homework but I'll get to that later! Just Kidding! I need a pen pal! Someone want to volunteer? LOL! Anyways I want to talk to someone. I can't be calling my momma all the time! I could and well I do! I'm a big baby:( But I love her. So if anyone knows who I can write letters too I would love it!

100 miles an hour

2008-08-26T20:01:00.000-07:00

So my first week of college was pretty good! It's been interesting! I've decided that I am going to work out on my free time, hopefully everyday! I've discovered that it helps with my depression, something about the indorfins. You know what I mean! It helps I don't know how or why but it does. Homework isn't too bad yet! Hopefully it wont get out of control! I miss my Madre very much:( I think I almost talk to her everyday!? But other than that I am doing good! If I could only get my Dad to leave me alone my life would be perfect! Oh well, that's what I get for moving down here! I will say that I am starting to get stressed out about life so please keep me in your prayers. This comes with the working out part, gets my mind off of things for an hour or an hour and a half. I hate when things are going through my mind at 100 miles an hour. Other than that I am fine.

OSU!

2008-08-20T18:24:00.000-07:00

UPDATE? Yes it is time! SO this past week A LOT has changed! I moved, to Stillwater, Oklahoma! I'm going to college here! I'm staying here for awhile, my therapist is all for it! I love it! So here is whats going on, I'm living in the dorms NOT with my Dad! I am taking 13 credit hours! I know the way I did it was wrong and I feel bad, really I do I couldn't stop crying until I talked to my Mom. Now I feel better! I will be seeing a Psychiatrist and Therapist while I am here! So I'm doing fine! I f you would like to send things to me or write me letters, send me pictures! I LOVE PICTURES! Here is my dorm address:
820 Drummand Hall
Stillwater, Oklahoma
74077

College Life!

2008-08-10T18:14:00.000-07:00

I get more and more excited as the days get closer! Freshman Orientation was on Friday! It was awesome! I met some pretty cool people! I got my classes all taken care of! I'm taking 16 credit hours! Yeah I know it's a lot but It's all music classes. I am taking English also! Math is next semester because the classes were full! So yep! But I'm excited! The only bad thing about college is that I already owe them two thousand+ dollars! Yay! High school was way more simpler! Two bad the lottery doesn't take effect until next semester. Anyways! Life is good! Work is work and when I'm not working I'm trying to sleep! Even after work I still seem to not be able to sleep, so that means I don't go to bed until 3 sometimes! Oh well! Still can't wait till school starts!

2008-08-08T05:13:00.001-07:00

Lifehouse...Everything

2008-08-08T05:00:00.001-07:00

Find me here
And speak to me
I want to feel You
I need to hear You
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place
Where I find peace again

You are the strength
That keeps me walking
You are the hope
That keeps me trusting
You are the life
To my soul
You are my purpose
You're everything

And how can I stand here with You
And not be moved by You
Would You tell me how could it be
Any better than this
(Ahh Yeahhh)

You calm the storms
And You give me rest
You hold me in your hands
You won't let me fall
You steal my heart
And You take my breath away
Would You take me in
Would You take me deeper, now

And how can I stand here with You
And not be moved by You
Would You tell me how could it be
Any better than this

And how can I stand here with You
And not be moved by You
Would You tell me how could it be
Any better than this

Cause you're all I want
You're all I need
You're everything, everything
You're all I want
You're all I need
You're everything, everything
You're all I want
You're all I need
You're everything, everything
You're all I want
You're all I need
Everything, everything...

When how can I stand here with You
And not be moved by You
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this

Oh And how can I stand here with You
And not be moved by You
Would You tell me how could it be
Any better any better than this

And how can I stand here with You
And not be moved by You
Would You tell me how could it be
Any better than this

Would You tell me how could it be
Any better than this....

My Passion For God!

2008-08-03T16:14:00.000-07:00

OMG! It's unbearable! I love feeling God's Spirit! It's amazing! It makes me full and complete! All I want is more of Him! Aw! I can't wait for Master's Commission, if I get in! Aw! I'm so anxious!

I've opened a can of worms and now I'm throwing away the can with the worms in it!

2008-08-02T03:12:00.000-07:00

YES, You read it right! HEHE! Why does God have such a weird way of speaking to us? Yes I talk to God. It's not weird, at least I don't think so! So I can't sleep and I was laying in bed thinking what am I doing? I'm an idiot! All the things in the past week or two have been running through my mind and I'm thinking Amber, your stupid why are you throwing away your perfect life? By all means my life isn't perfect but I mean I could become Manager by December, I have a wonderful Hubby that I love! (Stephen and I are not married but he calls me his wifey. Serious? I think Yes! maybe he will get to meet the family soon?) Any who! Plus I'm scared to break my Mom's heart! I mean I love her. Even though we have been through a lot and sometimes we get on each others nerves I still want to make her proud. I was thinking about all the crap my dad put me through, Who cares if he is willing to give me money it's not worth it to go to college down there.....NO I don't wanna leave all the wonderful things God has placed in front of me! I am not even sure what is going to happen if I get accepted to Master's Commission? (The only thing Stephen is willing to let me go for)! I want to cry, not just normal cry but cry and give everything to God! It hurts to be confused, stupid, and be a tug of war rope between two parents. BTW, I think it's best to cut off ALL contact. Even if it means to block them from texting/ calling me! I'm tired of it! My life isn't peaceful anymore!

BTW: Stephen is a guy that I know from Middle school/High School! We were in band together, He's a senior this year! One year younger! Those who went to my graduation dinner met him! He gave me an expensive necklace for Graduation! I love it! So yes, we are kind of serious but we aren't officially dating because well it's a guy thing I guess. IDK! But Yes now you know who I'm talking about when I talk about Stephen! He's AMAZING! So I still can't sleep but maybe soon! So thanks for reading and Please keep praying for me!

Your pushing me away far, far away...

2008-07-31T13:53:00.000-07:00

So life can't get any worse, can it? My FAFSA has to be redone and my Step-Dad probably makes too much money. So I have to take out loans....GRRRRRRR. I had a crazy idea to ask my dad for income tax information but then I got chewed out because I want his money...He was willing to give it to me! Now he wants me to go to college down there....I don't think so sorry! But I will say I wish I had $200 to live on campus! HAHA! Mom and Randy want me to go to the branch to start out and I don't want to! I already got accepted to NMSU plus orientation is the 8th. WHAT DON'T YOU GET!? NO! It's getting on my nerves. Stop comparing me to people! All I hear about is what other people went through! Well you know what I don't want it to be easier. I want the challenge so I can throw it in everyone's face, saying Ha I did it I'm not a failure so screw off! (excuse my french). But come on keep bugging me and I will move to Oklahoma just to get away from you. Gosh! You think your helping me but your really pushing me away. You're afraid of me being like James then go ahead and push my last nerve. Let me figure things out on my own. Let me make my own mistakes. Maybe I do wanna be accepted to Master's! On Second thought its not maybe. I do! It's so frustrating, Life.

*This Blog has nothing to do with anyone but My Mom so please don't think that it's about you. If it was I would tell you.
Thank You!

Confused?

2008-07-30T23:31:00.000-07:00

So today is my Big Brother James' BDAY and my mom came in the living room crying and I thought OMG something happened to my Grandpa Great. NOPE! Thank Goodness but she's crying and I'm wondering what's wrong??? She asked me if I knew what tomorrow which is today was. (complicated?) Any who my poor mother is crying because she hasn't herd from him in years. I know that she can't let it go and I know that she brings it up all the time...But to think that I know how he feels and I can't tell her because it's HORRIBLE plus she'll have a seizure. I wish she could forget about him....I know its not possible for a mother to forget about her child but my goodness. To see her like this plus hear her talk about him gets overwhelming. And to think that I'm a horrible person for not giving her his number because 1. It's not my number to give and 2. He would tear her apart...I don't know how to make her understand that he hates her...Yes Hate is a strong word but it's true....IDK what to do or say to her. I might have his number but its not like I talk to him much!

AMAZINGLY AMAZING!

2008-07-28T00:13:00.001-07:00

So It's 1: 23 AM! YaY! Today was my day off well not really because I got called into work! Me and one of the managers were talking and he asked me my age and then he was all "Have you ever considered being a shift Manager?" HUH? LOL! Me I'm only 18. He told me I have a lot of Potential! YAY! Potential is good and I LOVE working! I would work 24-7 if I needed to! LOL! Not really! But I love going to work ha! I found out today that out of all 6 of the people my manager has hired I'm the only one left working there! Ha! That's sad! But I love it I only have to be working there for 3 months and it's already been a month! So IDK I'm thinking that this is part of God's plan! So if everything goes right I can become a Shift Manager by christmas! I'm so freaking excited! I am starting to love life! YAY! I'm not sure how I'm gonna do it while going to school but We will see! So other than that I'
m working, sleeping, and working! I'm working everyday for at least 7-8 hours! I get Sundays off! Unless I get called in! Church is amazing too! Mom and I have been going to The First Assemblies of God and I absolutely love it! So that's my life as of now! I can't wait till school starts!

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present.

2008-07-24T18:21:00.000-07:00

So today was my day off and I was busy the whole day! It was fun! I sold my Plasma! I got $20 for it! It took about three hours at Las Cruces Biologicals but I guess it was worth it! I'm very tired! I have two needle marks! One on each arm because my veins like to hide! Next time I think I'll take my MP3 Player or something! Since I wasn't allowed to have my phone out! I haven't decided if I'm gonna go back Saturday or not! If I'm gonna feel this tired after it's done then I wont since I have to work that night! Then my Madre and I went to go see Kung Fu Panda! It was good so if you wanna see a good movie that is kid appropriate or just for fun go see it! So my day off was pretty busy but I can't wait to go back to work! I know it's weird but I love working! So that's my update until I find something else interesting to write about!

College!

2008-07-21T19:17:00.000-07:00

So my plans for college have changed kind of not really but I couldn't wait for Master's Commission to wait till the last minute to tell me if I was accepted or not! So I got accepted to NMSU! So I am going to go ahead and register! My major is Psychology but I am going to change it to Music Education! I auditioned to find out what class I would be in! Dr. Alt the director put me in Concert Choir and Gospel! Gospel? HMHM! That will be interesting! But yeah I'm excited! Not sure what Math I will take but the only math I have to take Math 110G! Also my job is giving 40 hours a week! I guess they like me! LOL! So yeah welcome to my life! School, work, maybe 1-2 hours of sleep and studying my butt off! YAY! I'm excited! I'm not sure what I am going to do if I get accepted to Master's Commission! If I should take it or leave it! Whatever God wants! Still is a tough decision! Either way I'm excited! Oh and I have orientation on the 8th of August! YAY! So my schedule might change but not likely!

*So the classes I am going to take are: This is with piano basic skills!
Ear Training 1
Concert/Gospel Choir
Voice lessons of course (Guess it's a class!)
Funct. Piano 1
Diction 1
English
Math

Walls By Emery...My feelings

2008-07-12T19:03:00.000-07:00

Are you listening?
We write a thousand pages, they're torn and on the floor.
Headlights hammer the windows, we're locked behind these doors.
And we are never leaving, this place is part of us.
And all these scenes repeating are cold to the touch.

My hands seem to deceive me
When I'm nervous or when I'm healthy.
The scenery's all drawn.

They hang here from the walls dear,
Painting pictures, bleeding colors,
Blanket the windows.

Sometimes it gets so hard to breathe.
Your eyes can see right through me.

These fights with your arms left beside.
It's one thing and one more says goodnight.
You've got the map come get to me.
These knuckles break before they bleed.

Tear out these veins that own my heart.
This skin that wears your lasting marks.
I've built these walls come get to me, come get to me.

Is this your lesson, a slight discretion,
The lines that keep you, the lines that sweep you.
Lock the doors from the inside.

Your face is so contagious, it wears announcements,
It leaves me breathless, I won't forget this,
I won't forget.

Sometimes it gets so hard to breathe.
Your eyes can see right through me.

Let the walls have their say. [x6]
Have their say.

There's no conversation, words without remorse.
And this television drowns the only source.
Wake from these dreams of you in my arms.
Go to the staircase where you hold my heart.
This place, these walls mean everything to me.

GOD And HIS Grace!

2008-07-06T21:21:00.000-07:00

All I can do is want to cry and to feel God. What is He trying to tell me? All I feel like doing is falling on my knees and crying out to Him. I know it's Him but I don't know where this is coming from...all I want to do is feel Him and to be with Him to the end. So many emotions that I am tired of feeling. So many worries about the way I see myself and the way others see me. I don't like all these worries. I'm scared of all these feelings. I've felt them before, I want them to go away. It may be God but too much emotion=suicidal thoughts. It gets too overwhelming! I'm not sure what to do. Should I cry out to Him, should I ignore it. I'm so confused and so terrified at what He wants to say to me! Is this apart of Master's Commission? Him preparing me for what He is going to do...If I get in that is! Why am I so scared of what God has for me?

Osama Led me to Jesus

2008-07-06T18:27:00.000-07:00

So my Grandparents just had their 50th wedding Anniversary and the whole family was their! All 7 of their kids and Spouces, 25 of 26 Grandchildren and 4 Great Grandchildren! It was quite the Celebration...It was fun hanging out with everybody. All the way from Wet n Wild, Dinners, Grandparents Day, The 4th Of July Parade, and The Church, Then Their is both of Nathan's Songs! There was so many Activities! It was fun!